Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Banned from zoo.
Again?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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