Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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