if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
We got so high we made milksteak
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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