I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
