For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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