I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
