i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
