i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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