I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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