im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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