I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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