we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
