Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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