hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
