I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
