I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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