can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
