get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
