I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
