professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
