I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
