his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
false alarm, still single
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
