it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
