I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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