I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
