Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
