True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
