just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize