i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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