Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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