Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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