I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
