Im at strip club and am horny
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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