This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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