Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
