I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
