we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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