weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
