I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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