8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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