six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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