I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
