I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
