Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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