I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize