My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
