Even water is tasting like jack daniels
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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