He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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