That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
