i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
