see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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