i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
