I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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