All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
