I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
