You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
