my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
