I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
